I’m embarrassed to admit that I recently topped the scales at 160lbs and was DEVASTATED. Looking back, hitting 160lbs isn’t what’s embarrassing, it’s the fact that a stupid number could mean so much to me. For my height (5’10”), 160lbs isn’t bad at all. In fact, it’s actually perfect! But what’s even sadder is that there was a time in my life when I would’ve killed to look like Crystal at 90lbs and was willing to go to extreme lengths (not eating, obsessive exercising, crash dieting and painfully restrictive eating) to get there.

Thankfully, that dark period in my life is over, but I’m still very self conscious about my weight and have spent the past 2 months watching what I eat and working out 3/4 days a week in an effort to drop 20lbs. (so far, I’ve lost about 10) When I type this out and admit it to my blog readers and to myself, it seems quite pathetic. But it’s something I struggle with almost daily and I’m hoping that coming clean will give some of the young women who read my blog and watch my videos a better perspective on me and my life.

Often times I get emails from young women who look up to me and ask me for advice partly because they assume I have a perfect life. Truth is, I really don’t. Believe it or not, my self image is a constant struggle for me. And looking back, I think that’s partly why I got into theater/performing and later blogging and video blogging because that insecure part of me craved the attention and constant stream of praise and compliments. (wow. that sounds horrible…) With that being said, it’s those same insecurities that cause me to take the often harsh and cruel online criticisms to heart.

I’ve admired Crystal Renn in the past, but hearing her story again on Good Morning America has really inspired me. Being completely comfortable in your own skin is quite a feat and is a lifelong journey. I’m not saying I’m going to go gain 70lbs but, this is me officially admitting to myself and to you that I need to make a change in my attitude towards my body. I don’t want to spend my life yo yo dieting and stressing about my dress size. I just want to be healthy and comfortable no matter what the scale reads.